Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
