My friends, they love my intelligence
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
We left an ass print on the piano.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
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