Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Randomize
