dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
