Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
