I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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