Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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