so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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