How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
