I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
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