I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
