You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
we should paint friendship bongs
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