Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
