My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
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