So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Randomize
