I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
