69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
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