She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
