We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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