oh god the rape fog is back!
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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