Need sex. Gaining weight.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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