i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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