WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
