my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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