dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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