one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
True college students do jello shots in the library
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