There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
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