can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Randomize