I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize