foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Randomize
