Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize