i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
