if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
