Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
birth control should be required to get into college
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
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