I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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