I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
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