I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Randomize
