you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
