I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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