Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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