If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
