a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
