I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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