I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
worst night to have a conscience
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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