I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
