Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
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