I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
