Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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