Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
