Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
