i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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