That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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