Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
