Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
