I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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