i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
