so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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