you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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