I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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