When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
