You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
