my phone needs a breathalizer
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
