Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
