Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
