JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
